Tuesday, September 20, 2016

What I didn't see coming...

To date everything with IVF has been going great.  Bloodwork has been fine.  Appointments OK.  Anticipation... high.  I don't remember if I told you guys I was having this done.  If I didn't I apologize.  I had an appointment this morning for a mock IVF to see what my uterus looks like and to prepare the doctor for the actual procedure.  "I don't want any surprises," the doctor said.

I cried.  Not because I it hurt.  Not because I was scared.  I think it was more of a relief.  I have finally crawled to the end of the tunnel and now I am just waiting on someone to roll the stone and let me see the light of day.  Today wasn't the day.

The doctor said I could watch if I wanted to.  I used a mirror to watch the camera inserted... I saw a spot of blood put the mirror down.  He laugh and proceeded with the procedure. I cramped but about the same amount as other procedures I had done over the years with previous miscarriages.

 All of a sudden he asked the nurse to take a photo of something and he said, "this isn't what I wanted to see."  Tear... tear... tear.... sob.  He insists that I look and that I need to see this.  I have a polyp.  It's probably acceptable for me to say that there's an effin polyp right where he would have chose to insert the eggs.  They described it as comparing my uterus to a room and then that polyp being the size of a door.  There is a lot of space that he could use but that one spot could be an issue.  I'll have surgery in October to have it removed.

Set back number 9,245,432.   I had a dream last Sunday night that we were in Africa picking up an adopted child.  I don't know if it's my mind showing myself that light at the end of the tunnel or telling myself that the procedure wasn't going to work.  It kept replaying over and over in my mind today.  It's scary frustrating. Some days it's hard to get out of bed.  Everyone around me is so happy and pregnant.  It sucks to compare myself.   I know I shouldn't do that but you can't not do that.  Tomorrow will be better.  As for today?  It's a pity party.

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